Exclusive Leaked Emails From The Hillary 2020 Campaign

By Nick Hennessy

 

The Post-Truth Post prides itself in being fair and balanced, providing readers with the finest alternative facts. Recently, an anonymous source presented us with leaked staff emails concerning Hillary Clinton’s planned run in 2020. Here is the email thread, unedited.

Subject: Next Steps

Hello to all my campaign leaders!

Congratulations, we did it! Ha, just kidding… we lost to Trump last night. I’m sure you’re all in a foul mood, but we don’t have time to lament the trials of 2016, because, guess what—I’m running again! And I’ve got a great idea for how we’re going to frame my 2020 campaign.

In 2016, we employed a three-step “evade, deny, apologize” tactic when it came to scandals. Now, I’m upgrading it to nine steps: “evade, deny, apologize, deny again, apologize again, evade again, apologize for evading, but continue to deny before finally refusing to apologize for anything, ever.” Voters will be so bewildered that they will have no choice but to vote for me. Failsafe.

I’d love to hear your feedback. We’re coming up on our biggest fight yet!

Hillary Clinton

Sent from my iPhone

Re: Next Steps

Hillary, with all due respect, the election is over. We’re done. Heads up, you sent this message using a hotmail address, from an insecure phone.

John Podesta

Re: Next Steps

Not sure I like this “9-step plan” thing. Let’s grab coffee soon, Hil. Also, just a heads up, you cc’d Anthony Weiner on this email… did you mean to do that?

Robby Mook

Re All: Next Steps

hello, Hillary

my name is el Mysterioso. i have a 12inch dick. know any good lawyers? asking for a friend.

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

Pretty sure “El Mysterioso” is Anthony Weiner. Also pretty sure he doesn’t know the difference between reply and reply all…

Amanda Renteria

Re All: Next Steps

oops my b

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

эти американские идиоты, они считают, что они выиграют в 2020 году. лол

xxxxxxxx

Re All: Next Steps

Holy shit.

John Podesta

Re All: Next Steps

Dear staff (and Weiner, and Putin, I guess),

Since my “9-step plan” idea didn’t go over so well, I came up with another strategy: “Celebrity Firebomb.” This election year, we had some celebrity endorsements, and that was pretty okay. But come 2020, it’s going to be a celebrity mega-overload!

Picture this: not just Lena Dunham, but the entire cast of Girls writhing, snake-like, showered with money by Katy Perry and James Franco, while Beyonce belts out “Halo” as she cradles a reverse-aged infant Lin-Manuel Miranda (extra adorable.) In the background, Taylor Swift will be subjected to medieval torture until she A. admits to voting for Trump in 2016 and B. vows to vote for me in 2020.

All of this will be broadcast live on HBO. It’s a surefire plan to get the Rust Belt in our pocket.

Hillary Clinton

Sent from my iPhone

Re: Next Steps

What exactly do you mean by “reverse-aged?” Even if we did have the technology to do that, is Lin-Manuel Miranda the best candidate? A Tony Award-winning baby rapping about history… reads as coastal elitism to me

Robby Mook

Re All: Next Steps

send nudes

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

Anthony, who was that directed to?

Robby Mook

Re All: Next Steps

idk pretty much anyone

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

Hello once again,

So, “Celebrity Firebomb” clearly wasn’t any more popular than my “9-Step Plan.” That’s okay; I thought of another strategy. Remember how the polls totally messed us up? We thought I was a sure thing because I kept polling so well? Well, now we’re going to up our game.

Instead of just polling in the wake of major events and campaign milestones, we’re going to make a Hillary Clinton Tinder account. My number of matches will be a great indicator for how many Americans want me to be their president. Can somebody help me with the account? I’m not great at setting things up on my phone.


Hillary

Sent from my iPhone

Re: Next Steps

Does Bill have Tinder? Lol is that even a question of course he does

Amanda Renteria

Re All: Next Steps

hillary i would swipe right on u

El Mysterioso

Re: Next Steps

Hillary, I am begging you. STOP. No new strategies, no celebrities, no Tinder. Running in 2020 is simply not in our best interest. I’m sorry.

John Podesta

Re All: Next Steps

Greetings, Hillary Clinton staff!

This is your Shadow President, Steve Bannon. My friends in the Kremlin tipped me off to this thread of emails, and I hacked your sorry asses, so ha! Take that! Also the file i attached is definitely not malware. Click “download” to find out why doctors hate this one weird trick to longer, healthier living!

k bye

Stephen K. Bannon

Re All: Next Steps

Fuck you, Bannon. Forever and always, fuck you.

Also, note to everyone, Hillary included: LET’S STOP TALKING ABOUT 2020 AND FOCUS ON THE PRESENT. Planning for the future is important, but we have to confront the here and now. Okay? Great.

John Podesta

Re All: Next Steps

You’re right, John. Everyone, I apologize for the barrage of messages concerning 2020. It’s hard to give up on this presidential dream… I just want to help people. Maybe the best way for me to help people now is to step aside, let someone new take a shot.

It’s time to grow up and move on. We live in very dark times. We won’t make it through these next four years without recognizing the seriousness of the present moment. Thank you all.

Hillary Clinton

Re All: Next Steps

bannon sent me some nudes and he got a stumpy lil prick lmao

El Mysterioso

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