By Nick Hennessy
Donald Trump doesn’t drink or do drugs, but his unhealthy diet has given the American public cause for alarm (as well as hope that he will expire before finishing his first term in the White House.) News sources as diverse as Vice, the New York Times and Cracked have all published articles detailing the president’s eating habits—articles conspicuously devoid of the phrase “potentially fatal.” We sat down with a dietician (who requested anonymity) and asked how exactly Trump’s diet affects his mood, decision-making, and chances of lasting four whole years working the nation’s most stressful job.
POST-TRUTH POST: Donald Trump is 70 years old. He eats pretty much just steak and carbs. Will he make it to 71?
ANONYMOUS REGISTERED DIETICIAN:
I’m not sure exactly what you mean by that, but I would recommend that President Trump increase his intake of fruit, vegetables and whole grains, especially considering how old he is. We want to make sure he eats well throughout the day.
Sure we do. Trump is probably vitamin deficient. What are the implications?
Vitamin deficiency definitely affects the nervous system, nerve efficiency. He might be experiencing chills and fatigue, dizziness, irregular heartbeat—
Unlikely. To combat vitamin deficiency, he should be consuming the recommended five servings of fruit and vegetables every day.
We both know he won’t do that. He eats lots of Lay’s potato chips, doesn’t he?
Yes. Lots of empty carbs, fat, salt. That might lead to constipation, irritable bowels—
So he’s alive, but at least his every waking moment is hell on earth.
Um, I wouldn’t go that far. We should also look at his Diet Coke habit.
True. Enough of that stuff is addictive and deadly, right?
Only if you drink absurd amounts does Diet Coke become carcinogenic. I only brought it up because it seems to be his one “vice,” and it’s not great, but at least it’s not alcohol.
Speaking of alcohol, would we be better or worse off if Trump got into drinking?
What exactly do you mean by that?
I mean, on the one hand, his judgment and temper are remarkable already, so drunk Trump is terrifying to think about. But on the other hand…
On the other hand, what?
Never mind. He told People Magazine back in 2016 that he doesn’t have a regular exercise regimen. Could that be the death blow?
At his age, he should be aiming for at least 30 minutes of regular exercise a day. He plays golf, but he does it with the aid of a golf cart and he doesn’t carry his own clubs. That doesn’t count as regular exercise. And he only sleeps three hours a night, at most. Sometimes not at all.
Much like Lady Macbeth. Lady Macbeth died of sleep deprivation.
She’s also a fictional character. Thus far, Trump’s lack of sleep isn’t fatal, but it likely affects his judgment. Sleepiness and irritability go hand in hand. He should at least try to work in a nap during the day. Being the president is a demanding job, and it requires being calm, alert, and energized enough to make huge decisions. If he works long hours, he should be sleeping, too.
Then again, what if he just burns himself out?
Back to the Trump steaks. How would eating giant, overcooked steaks every day affect someone’s energy levels and mental process?
Well, especially because he likes his steaks well-done, I imagine he’d be suffering some constipation.
Excellent. Do you think he’s constipated enough that all the half-digested steak is just building up in his rectum, and one day, when his body can’t hold it all in—
No, Donald Trump will not explode into a literal pile of shit.
Come on, Doc, throw me a bone. When’s the old geezer gonna kick the bucket, and why?
I’m honestly put off by all this morbid talk.
I’m just saying what most of our readers are thinking.
Well, that’s alarming. I’d tell your readers to prepare for 2020. God is not going to strike Donald Trump down with a lightning bolt from the heavens. It’s up to voters to decide whether or not he gets to stay in the White House.