Wartime Wisdom

By Nick Hennessy

After launching tomahawk missiles at Syria’s airfield (and, more importantly, after massacring civilians) and dropping the “mother of all bombs” on a tunnel in Afghanistan (and, more importantly, after massacring civilians) our inexperienced overlord, Donald “Trumpwad” Trump, has learned some valuable lessons about what it means to be a wartime president. Let’s look at what those valuable lessons are.

 1. Unarmed women and children are pushovers.

 2. All of ISIS tends not to gather in the same tunnel at once.

 3. Things were simpler in the days of the botched Yemen raid, when only one eight-year-old’s death weighed on Trump’s conscience.

 4. Getting away with bombing brown people overseas is somehow even easier than it is to get away with denying them fair housing stateside.

 5. Launching tomahawk missiles is more fun when, right before you give the okay, you screech, “Fly, my pretties, fly!” as Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus scamper around you in flying monkey costumes.

 6. When your fingers are too small to punch in the nuclear codes, you can always fall back on the “mother of all bombs”

7. “Mother of all bombs” somehow does not refer to the first 100 days.

8. Declaring war is not necessarily a declaration of war.

9. You don’t need a 9/11 to retaliate against a 9/11.

 10. If you want to forget your crimes against humanity, you should count your simple, innocent blessings: an understaffed executive office, a beautiful captive wife, and a secret tax shelter in Cyprus.

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