A dietician explains Trump’s behavior, hopefully how he dies

By Nick Hennessy 

Donald Trump doesn’t drink or do drugs, but his unhealthy diet has given the American public cause for alarm (as well as hope that he will expire before finishing his first term in the White House.) News sources as diverse as Vice, the New York Times and Cracked have all published articles detailing the president’s eating habits—articles conspicuously devoid of the phrase “potentially fatal.” We sat down with a dietician (who requested anonymity) and asked how exactly Trump’s diet affects his mood, decision-making, and chances of lasting four whole years working the nation’s most stressful job.


POST-TRUTH POST: Donald Trump is 70 years old. He eats pretty much just steak and carbs. Will he make it to 71?


I’m not sure exactly what you mean by that, but I would recommend that President Trump increase his intake of fruit, vegetables and whole grains, especially considering how old he is. We want to make sure he eats well throughout the day.


Sure we do. Trump is probably vitamin deficient. What are the implications?

Vitamin deficiency definitely affects the nervous system, nerve efficiency. He might be experiencing chills and fatigue, dizziness, irregular heartbeat—



Unlikely. To combat vitamin deficiency, he should be consuming the recommended five servings of fruit and vegetables every day.


We both know he won’t do that. He eats lots of Lay’s potato chips, doesn’t he?

Yes. Lots of empty carbs, fat, salt. That might lead to constipation, irritable bowels—


So he’s alive, but at least his every waking moment is hell on earth.

Um, I wouldn’t go that far. We should also look at his Diet Coke habit.


True. Enough of that stuff is addictive and deadly, right?

Only if you drink absurd amounts does Diet Coke become carcinogenic. I only brought it up because it seems to be his one “vice,” and it’s not great, but at least it’s not alcohol.


Speaking of alcohol, would we be better or worse off if Trump got into drinking?

What exactly do you mean by that?


I mean, on the one hand, his judgment and temper are remarkable already, so drunk Trump is terrifying to think about. But on the other hand…

On the other hand, what?


Never mind. He told People Magazine back in 2016 that he doesn’t have a regular exercise regimen. Could that be the death blow?

At his age, he should be aiming for at least 30 minutes of regular exercise a day. He plays golf, but he does it with the aid of a golf cart and he doesn’t carry his own clubs. That doesn’t count as regular exercise. And he only sleeps three hours a night, at most. Sometimes not at all.


Much like Lady Macbeth. Lady Macbeth died of sleep deprivation.

She’s also a fictional character. Thus far, Trump’s lack of sleep isn’t fatal, but it likely affects his judgment. Sleepiness and irritability go hand in hand. He should at least try to work in a nap during the day. Being the president is a demanding job, and it requires being calm, alert, and energized enough to make huge decisions. If he works long hours, he should be sleeping, too.


Then again, what if he just burns himself out?

Excuse me?


Back to the Trump steaks. How would eating giant, overcooked steaks every day affect someone’s energy levels and mental process?

Well, especially because he likes his steaks well-done, I imagine he’d be suffering some constipation.


Excellent. Do you think he’s constipated enough that all the half-digested steak is just building up in his rectum, and one day, when his body can’t hold it all in—

No, Donald Trump will not explode into a literal pile of shit.


Come on, Doc, throw me a bone. When’s the old geezer gonna kick the bucket, and why?

I’m honestly put off by all this morbid talk.


I’m just saying what most of our readers are thinking.

Well, that’s alarming. I’d tell your readers to prepare for 2020. God is not going to strike Donald Trump down with a lightning bolt from the heavens. It’s up to voters to decide whether or not he gets to stay in the White House.

Andrew Breitbart founded Breitbart News in 2007. Like him it is loud, stupid, and full of shit.




“How prog-guru John Podesta isn’t household name as world class underage sex slave op cover-upperer defending unspeakable dregs escapes me,” this was the last tweet that Andrew Breitbart ever sent, a tweet that would evolve years later into #pizzagate, a fake news story about Hillary Clinton and John Podesta running a child sex ring out of a pizza joint in Washington D.C.

Pizzagate was propagated by Alex Jones and retweeted by Michael Flynn’s son. Ultimately, on December 6 2016, it led to a deranged man walking into Comet Ping Pong Pizza with an assault rifle, intending to free the sex slaves he thought were being held captive in the basement.

Other Breitbart masterpieces include this late night rant, tweeted out after Politico reported on John Lewis and other members of the black caucus having racial slurs thrown at them while they walked through a crowd of tea party protesters in Washington:
“OhmyGod, the Dems are screaming the N word outside of my house. I swear. No, really. Trust me. It’s true,”

“Why are elected Democratic leaders in front of my house in LA standing lock-armed screaming racial epithets & homophobic slurs?”

“Why is Steny Hoyer in Los Angeles sitting on Anthony Weiner’s shoulders screaming the N word into my home? Weird”

According to Andrew Breitbart, people should have been as willing to believe his story as they were to believe the story of the black caucus.

These tweets were followed up by an article in Breitbart News entitled:

“2010: a race odyssey—disproving a negative for cash prizes, or, how the civil-rights movement jumped the shark,” in the article Breitbart wrote that John Lewis and the black caucus’ decision to walk through the crowd was “in and of itself an act of racism meant to create a contrast between the Tea Party crowd and themselves.”

Andrew Breitbart, a man clearly well accustomed to taking his own advice, went on to say that:

“It’s time for the allegedly pristine character of Rep. John Lewis to put up or shut up. If you provide verifiable video evidence showing that a single racist epithet was hurled as you walked among the Tea Partiers, or you pass a simple lie detector test, I will provide a $10K check to the United Negro College Fund.”

As he told Slate in an interview, Breitbart’s strategy, much like Trump’s today, was constant warfare. As long as he kept on spewing words like an industrial grade fog machine the media would be forced to constantly respond to him, thereby bringing his claims to a wider audience.

“My entire business model is to go on offense. They don’t like our aggressiveness. They want to portray me as crazy, unhinged, unbalanced. OK, good, fine. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.”

In pictures Andrew Breitbart is immediately identifiable as a man in the same vein as Rush Limbaugh or Alex Jones.
He has a beer gut, and his aryan features are bloated, his blue eyes watery. His face is slack and infantile making him look like a sexually perverted Cupid. Andrew Breitbart’s hair, a mix of silver and piss yellow, is worn in a half mullet. 
In these images Brietbart is usually shouting something, sometimes with his Hitler finger raised for emphasis.

Breitbart died at age 43 of a heart attack, dropping dead outside a restaurant “like a sack of potatoes” as one witness described the moment that still causes Breitbart’s liberal contemporaries to orgasm every time they think about it.

Andrew Breitbart’s mission was to counter what he believed was a left biased mainstream media, which is to say a fact biased mainstream media.

At the epicenter of his personal galaxy of media ventures was Breitbart News, surrounded by niche sites such as Big Hollywood, Big Government, Big Journalism, and Big Jerusalem.

Each were a conservative response to what what Breitbart believed were left wing institutions.


Breitbart was known for his unnecessary cruelty and internet trolling. When he received several threatening messages from a man that Breitbart admitted was probably mentally unstable and in need of help, he took screenshots of the disturbing conversation and published them on Big Journalism along with a picture of the sender and his name.

“I want to create a level of pain for him that makes him realize this is not worth this.”

In February of 2014 Andrew Breitbart moved Breitbart News from his basement to an office space in Santa Monica payed for by his friend Stephen K. Bannon, then a conservative filmmaker with money left over from his time as a banker for Goldman Sachs.

Breitbart was well acquainted with spending money, and spending it liberally. When his great aunt died leaving him with twenty-three thousand five hundred dollars he took a semester off from college and used it to achieve “debauchery of a level that was incomprehensible to me” as he stated in a New Yorker interview.

In only a few months he had spent every last dollar.

Breitbart’s method of distorting objective reality stems back to his first ever published piece,  which he wrote for his high school newspaper, the Brentwood Eagle, in 1986. The article was an anthropological study of the school’s senior and junior parking lots. Breitbart wanted to argue that the seniors owned Mercedes and BMWs while the juniors had dinged up Volkswagons. Without a quote to support this thesis he turned to fabrication, making one up and attributing it to the school’s latest new kid,  Henry Sohn, who was from South Korea. The quote was written in a racist approximation of the boy’s broken English “Seniors are having too much of nice car than juniors.”

So it’s a little bit hypocritical that in 2010 Breitbart would exclaim in an interview with Slate, speaking like someone who had been skullfucked perhaps too hard, causing him to lose all sense of self awareness: “I will skullfuck anyone who misrepresents what I say.”

But I suppose nothing more should have been expected from a man who often claimed that Playboy was the only objective news source he’d ever read.

Andrew Breitbart’s first big scoop as founder and editor of Breitbart News came when his twenty-five year old apprentice James O’Keefe went on an extended tour of several ACORN offices. The Association of Community Organizations for Reform was founded in 1972.

O’Keefe was accompanied on his mission by a hidden camera and a student at Florida International Univerisity named Hannah Giles.

Hannah Giles was dressed as a prostitute and O’Keefe as her pimp, in a fur jacket and sunglasses.

At an ACORN office in Baltimore they said they were seeking business help and introduced themselves as having a “kind of unique” life situation.

As their interview went on O’Keefe revealed that the woman with him was a prostitute and that his life situation included an attempt to bring thirteen “very young” girls from El Salvador into the country.

The ACORN staffer said that the girls could be included on tax forms as “dependents”

O’Keefe: “What if they are going to be making money because they are performing tricks too?”

ACORN staffer: “If they are making money and they are underage, then you shouldn’t be letting anybody know anyway, it’s illegal. So I am not hearing this, I am not hearing this. You talk too much. Don’t give up no information you’re not asked.”

Andrew Breitbart employed a technique of releasing the video in short installments, forcing the media to report on the story in the form he wanted it told, while ACORN went on record lying after every installment was released, only for their lies to be refuted when the next video came out. Breitbart’s scoop ultimately killed ACORN. On November 2, 2010, it’s U.S. offices filed for Chapter 7 liquidation.

Despite the footage, Andrew Breitbart and O’Keefe didn’t actually have any evidence of wrong doing on the part of the ACORN staffers.
 And instead of releasing the information in a professional, journalistic manner they turned the story into a public crucifixion.

The fact that John Podesta was a member of ACORN’s advisory council was not passed over, and neither was a picture of Obama meeting with ACORN staffers as a senate candidate, a picture which was often included with the articles as if to implicate him somehow in the prostitution debacle.

 Andrew Breitbart had an unconventional view of Obama. He believed him to be a Marxist whose election was part of a plot begun in the nineteen-thirties by members of the Frankfurt School. The supposed plot also included taking over Hollywood, the media and colleges.

 While he was alive Andrew Breitbart spoke extensively about how academia had turned him into an anti-intellectual conspiracy theorist.

“I remember moments in class where I thought my head was going to explode, going, What the fuck are these people talking about? I don’t understand what this deconstructive semiotic bullshit is. Who the fuck is Michel Foucault?”

Arguably his head never stopped exploding until the moment he had a heart attack and died. And like so many mediocre white men before him who were scared of things they didn’t understand, Andrew Breitbart tried to rationalize his own confusion as, somehow, an insight.

“A lot of these guys I was reading about in my American Studies class were German and Italian social scientists from the University of Frankfurt. Once you see what their plan was, you realize that it was implemented. It was taking over the cultural institutions.”

MB Lite (No longer available thanks to some bad hombre-looking Hawaiian “Judge”)



Hey there! Are you looking for a new product with just the right amount of Islamophobia but with enough minutia that the damn liberals won’t go running around screaming about it? Then boy do I have the thing for you!

From the same administration that brought you the executive order limiting the cost of all new regulations for 2017 to $0, comes the new and improved travel ban! (MB Light). Signed on March 6th, this new overreaching executive action still has many of the aspects you loved from the original Muslim Ban. For example; six of the seven countries from the previous ban are still on the list. SIX OF THE SEVEN! That’s right Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen, are still there!

And in terms of those pesky Iraqi’s, any one of them trying to enter the greatest nation on earth will have to be approved by the Secretary of Defense, James “Mad Dog” Mattis. Like that’s ever going to happen.

Now I know what you’re all thinking, “how can I buy into this product without being called a bigot?” Worry not, this order was strategically signed on the same day the GOP Health Care Bill was released so none of the America hating snowflakes will even pay attention! And if that isn’t enough this order gives vast amounts of vague power to the Secretary of State and the Secretary of Homeland Security to allow people in on a case-by-case basis. So if anyone accuses you of Islamophobia just mention that little fun tid bit! And if you’re concerned about people being let in on this case-by-case basis system just remember, Rex Tillerson and John Kelly were handpicked by Donald Trump’s own hands (being held by Steve Bannon).

And I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet! For 120 days, I repeat 120 days, none of these self proclaimed “refugees” or “asylum seekers” will be given entry into the U.S. Isn’t that wonderful!

If all of that isn’t enough to make your mouth water this order still has one more trick up its sleeve. This action sets up a mandate for a biometric entry-exit system! Thats right, finger prints of anyone entering this country will be taken upon arrival. Because here, we like to criminalize those who weren’t born in this blessed nation!

MB Light: Preorder yours today!

Hits the shelves March 16th, 2017

How Russia (probably) controls Trump: Part 1



Earlier this year, we learned that Russia may or may not have a file on Donald Trump’s love of golden showers (let’s be real: this file exists and it’s probably covered in stains.) Recently, it came to light that both Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former National Security Prick Mike Flynn spoke to Russian ambassadors during the 2016 campaign. And 46 Justice Department employees were asked to resign as an investigation looms.

Is all of this activity suspicious? You bet your ass it is. Will it change the minds of Trump fanatics and spineless Republicans? No fucking way. To all of you who still care about good versus evil, I’m here to tell you that this intrigue is just the tip of the iceberg. As new information emerges, I will be speculating about silly, (probably) very real plans the Kremlin implemented to make a puppet of our Dear Leader. In Part 1, I propose that…


Picture this: a room of solid gold, in the basement levels of Trump Tower. What sacred treasures occupy this gleaming vault? Porn. Lots and lots of porn, probably ’90s porn (scrunchies and acid-washed thongs), all of it on videotape.

Let’s imagine that Donald Trump began assembling this trove years and years ago, during his messy split from Ivana. Even after VHS became obsolete, he didn’t give it up. He gets horny when the screen gets wonky, the sound gets fuzzy, and he has to hold down the tracking button until the picture normalizes. Titillating!

And let’s further speculate that in the New Millennium, Trump scoured the back alleys of New York for underground “tape auctions,” usually wearing a disguise and going under a false name— a name like “Kenny Bravo.” The others bid high, but Kenny Bravo bid higher, risking bankruptcy for another rare VHS porno. Each tape took its place in Trump’s room of gold. That room became Trump’s Happy Place. He retreated to it when women could not offer the carnal pleasures he craved, when his children sought the fatherly love he could not give.

Trump loved his Sacred Porn Bank like a daughter. Or maybe more like a bride. Let’s compromise: he loved it like he loves Ivanka.


And what if Putin’s underlings found out who “Kenny Bravo” really was? What if they stole into Trump’s Sacred Porn Bank under cover of darkness, some night during Obama’s presidency? And what if they hid a VHS tape of their own in between Stop! Or My Mom Will Cum and Forrest Hump? Maybe a porno in which Vladimir Putin’s throbbing manhood hypnotized the viewer into committing wholeheartedly to his authoritarian vision of the world?

Maybe right after the money shot, when Big Bad Vlad squirted all over a polar bear pelt, he looked into the camera, still shuddering from his bleak, post-Soviet orgasm, and said, “You must just do what I say, comrade.” Then, maybe he blew the smoke off a hunting rifle and flashed a boyish smile. What likely followed was a lengthy monologue about the merits of a Putin-style government, and a proposal for a presidential campaign like no other: Trump’s 2016 campaign—aka the political equivalent of back alley VHS porn.

So, if Putin really did make a subliminal propaganda porno, would Trump fall for it? Our revolting tyrant would take the bait, no question. Bait. Hm. Master Bait? Sorry, I couldn’t resist. And neither could Trump.

But of course, that’s just an idea.

Keep checking our site for more speculation (and occasionally REAL news) about Russia’s subversion of American democracy. Anything goes in a Post-Truth world!

Melania Trump Pregnant with Miracle Baby!



New York, New York –

Sources close to the first lady have confirmed that Mrs. Trump is 3 weeks pregnant. The child (presumably Donald’s) has 2 arms, 2 legs and a healthy heart, according to Dr. Vallston at New York Presbyrtarian. “The spawn also appears to be female, though it is tough to tell at such an early stage.”

In an exclusive interview with Breitbart, Melania explained that this pregnancy was no accident. “Donald has wanted us to have another daughter for some time now and it seems as though the stars just aligned.” Mrs. Trump has been living in Trump Towers in NYC since the inauguration while her husband, President Trump, has been residing in Washington D.C.

When asked about the peculiar timing of the conception on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer curtly replied; “I’ve already answered that.”
A comment from the administration was provided however by a tweet on the President’s twitter which reads as follows: Melania pregnant, another incredible child on the way! Not there for conception, must have been immaculate. There’s no other explanation. GREAT! 

Eric Trump was elated to hear the news. “I’m so glad for the chance to have another little sister,” Eric relayed over the phone in our on the record interview. “I’m also so happy that Barron will have a suitable wife and that the bloodlines will stay pure for another generation.”
Dr. Vallston stated during a press conference that the child is to be expected in late November.

Let’s Be Real: Vladimir Putin is a Danger to Global Demoracy 


First we learned that Michael Flynn lied about speaking with the Russian Ambassador Sergey I. Kislyak.

Then everybody’s favorite racist Southern belle Jeff Sessions perjured himself in front of congress by saying he’d never met with any Russians, like no Russians ever,  like why would he even speak to one of those boozers? No he hadn’t. Not once. Even though he’d met with Kislyak twice.

Jared Kushner, real life Count of Monte Cristo/Donald Trump’s son in law and adviser, has also spoken with Kislyak as have Trump’s campaign director of national security J.D Gordon and Gordon’s subordinate Carter Page.

But is it really surprising that Putin would be the one Trump went to when he needed someone to fix his election? 

He probably got his admiration for Putin from the same place he gets all his ideas. Fox News. 

American conservatives once took their cues from ideological touchstones like William F. Buckley and Ronald Reagan.
Now they have found a new conservative pin-up in a tempestuous, vulgar foreign demagogue who seems to be running a never ending PR campaign and, according to Angela Merkel, “is living in another world”.

Merkel has not been the first to wonder about Vladimir Putin’s mental health.

Newspapers often accuse him of narcissism. If he is a narcissist, all the attention is surely only fueling his disorder. But hey, if we’re lucky Putin might just gaze at his reflection in the media pool for so long and so deeply that he starves to death, like the original Narcissus of Greek myth. 

Many were incredulous when in 2013 and 2014 Fox News hosts began to eat up Vladimir Putin’s shirtless propaganda and unfavorably compare his various staged feats to Obama’s “mom jeans” and golfing.

As far as conservatives were concerned, vacations from the Oval Office would be more acceptable if they were spent shooting tranquilized tigers.

A Kremlin think tank published an article in 2013 that showed significant resistance to recent social advancements in the West on issues such as feminism and gay rights. Vladimir Putin, inspired by the report, began to attack the West for its feminine qualities, calling it “genderless.”

Russian propaganda jeeringly nicknamed Europe “Gayropa.” In 2013 Putin said that “many of the Euro-Atlantic countries are actually rejecting their roots, including the Christian values that constitute the basis of Western civilization, they are denying moral principles and all traditional identities: national, cultural, religious, and even sexual … They are implementing policies that equate large families with same-sex partnerships, belief in God with the belief in Satan”

Back then nobody could have predicted Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, nor the romance that President Trump seems to be cultivating with the Russian leader by praising and even defending him.

In an interview preceding the Super Bowl Bill O’Reilly pressed President Trump over his respect for a man who has ordered the murders of journalists and critics, saying that “Putin is a killer”.
“There are a lot of killers. We have a lot of killers,” Trump shot back “What, you think our country is so innocent?”

Here are just a few assassinations Putin is suspected of ordering:
On November 1, 2006, someone slipped polonium-210 (a critical component of nuclear bombs) into the tea of ex K.G.B. man Alexander Litvinenko.

As a result he became the first confirmed victim of polonium-210 induced acute radiation syndrome.

Alexander Litvinenko was in the United Kingdom, where he’d been granted asylum, when his assassination occurred.

On the 27th of February 2015, Boris Nemtsov was walking with his girlfriend across Moskvoretsky Bridge near the Kremlin when four sharp cracks rang out and Nemtsov fell. Nemtsov’s pistol wielding murderer vaulted a barrier into the road, where he was met by a getaway car.

Boris Nemtsov was immensely distinguished, a key figure in introducing capitalism to Russia after the fall of the Soviet Union; he should have been untouchable. Nemtsov was a bravely vocal critic of Putin, but he was also a physicist, a statesman and a leading liberal politician.

In May of the same year, Vladimir Kara-Murza suffered a near death hospitalization.

Within a 24 hour period nearly all his organs had begun to shut down. He was shuffled between hospitals in Moscow and the U.S. as he slowly recovered from what he believed was an assassination attempt by the Kremlin.

Kara-Murza was another vocal critic of Putin’s regime and a member of the pro-democracy group Open Russia.

After the recovery Kara-Murza was undeterred from his mission. He returned to Russia from his home in the U.S in early 2017 to promote a film about Boris Nemtsov. That’s when the same mysterious illness struck him down again.

Kara Murza is still alive, and hospitalized in Moscow. It was shortly after the resurgence of his illness that Bill O’Reilly interviewed Donald Trump.


From 2008 to 2012 Dmitry Medvedev was president of Russia, while Putin became Prime Minister, perhaps hoping to rule from the shadows.

But it was obvious to everyone that the office Putin occupied did not matter.

Putin is a dictator, not a politician. And even for a dictator he is exceptionally cartoonish in his villain playing right into every western Bond villain and comic book trope.

Wikileaks cables revealed that American diplomats laughingly described Putin as Russia’s Batman and Dmitry Medvedev as his Robin.

But Putin likes to present himself as a cold blooded street thug and a brawler, using his largely mysterious childhood to help frame this narrative.

Putin’s father Vladimir Spiridonovich Putin and his mother Maria Ivanovna Putina lived a hard, quintessentially Russian life. Vladimir Spiridonovich suffered from chronic pain until the day he died. During the second World War he had joined a small sabotage group run by the People’s Commissariat for Internal Affairs (NKVD).

With the NKVD he blew up bridges and rail lines near St Petersburg, until the group was ambushed by Nazis. A grenade left shrapnel buried in Vladimir’s leg.

While he was in the hospital he secretly gave his rations to his wife Maria and their surviving son, Victor. After Victor was taken away from the fighting and put into a childcare institution, Maria nearly starved to death. The the unconscious, barely breathing woman was piled among the dead of St. Petersburg to be carted away for burial. If someone had not noticed her moaning and dragged her from the pile she might have been buried alive.

The Putins’ first two children, born in the 1930s, were not so lucky. The first child was named Albert. Albert died in infancy. Their second child, Victor, died in a childcare facility during the Siege of Leningrad.

Many years later the only one of their children to survive into adulthood would say this about the death of Victor: “My parents told me that children were taken from their families in 1941, and my mother had a child taken from her — with the goal of saving him…They said he had died, but they never said where he was buried. ”

Vladimir Putin was born in 1952. Putin spent his childhood in a crumbling Leningrad complex where closely packed families lived alongside rats and fought over a small kitchen space in the hallway.

His father took up a job at a train car factory, while his mother tried her hand at any job she could find including truck loader, night watchman, and cleaning woman. This meant that when he wasn’t in school Putin was largely on his own, left to do as he pleased.

According to him he often spent that time brawling with street thugs and drunks in the courtyard beneath his window.


Trump is not the only world leader finding inspiration in Putin’s antics.

Among his many admirers are Rodrigo Duterte in the Philippines, Nigel Farage in Britain and Marine Le Pen in France. Le Pen has declared Russia a natural ally of Europe and said that Crimea “has always been Russian” She has called sanctions against the Kremlin “completely stupid” and the cause of “major problems for the EU”

In 2014 a Russian bank leant Le Pen’s party, the National Front, 9 million euros.

Some, including Natalie Jaresko, the former finance minister of Ukraine who spoke on the subject in an interview with David Axelrod, suspect that Putin is attempting to undermine the West from afar with his interference in Libya and Syria. The influx of refugees from these countries has destabilized Western nations and set the stage for Putin to lend support in the form of well placed leaks (in the case of America) or monetary donations to emerging nationalistic leaders promising safer borders.

As a result Putin may have successfully broken up the E.U.

Speaking about the interference in the 2016 elections, Jaresko had this to say: “It’s shocking that they would take the risk of doing that in the United States. And now it appears — I’ve seen reports — Germany, France and elsewhere…It surprised me only because I didn’t expect that it could be possible in the United States. But this is about the Kremlin wanting to destroy the Transatlantic Partnership, wanting to destroy… the liberal post-World War II international order, which is based on democracy, human rights, territorial integrity, sovereignty of nations.”

Exclusive Leaked Emails From The Hillary 2020 Campaign

By Nick Hennessy


The Post-Truth Post prides itself in being fair and balanced, providing readers with the finest alternative facts. Recently, an anonymous source presented us with leaked staff emails concerning Hillary Clinton’s planned run in 2020. Here is the email thread, unedited.

Subject: Next Steps

Hello to all my campaign leaders!

Congratulations, we did it! Ha, just kidding… we lost to Trump last night. I’m sure you’re all in a foul mood, but we don’t have time to lament the trials of 2016, because, guess what—I’m running again! And I’ve got a great idea for how we’re going to frame my 2020 campaign.

In 2016, we employed a three-step “evade, deny, apologize” tactic when it came to scandals. Now, I’m upgrading it to nine steps: “evade, deny, apologize, deny again, apologize again, evade again, apologize for evading, but continue to deny before finally refusing to apologize for anything, ever.” Voters will be so bewildered that they will have no choice but to vote for me. Failsafe.

I’d love to hear your feedback. We’re coming up on our biggest fight yet!

Hillary Clinton

Sent from my iPhone

Re: Next Steps

Hillary, with all due respect, the election is over. We’re done. Heads up, you sent this message using a hotmail address, from an insecure phone.

John Podesta

Re: Next Steps

Not sure I like this “9-step plan” thing. Let’s grab coffee soon, Hil. Also, just a heads up, you cc’d Anthony Weiner on this email… did you mean to do that?

Robby Mook

Re All: Next Steps

hello, Hillary

my name is el Mysterioso. i have a 12inch dick. know any good lawyers? asking for a friend.

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

Pretty sure “El Mysterioso” is Anthony Weiner. Also pretty sure he doesn’t know the difference between reply and reply all…

Amanda Renteria

Re All: Next Steps

oops my b

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

эти американские идиоты, они считают, что они выиграют в 2020 году. лол


Re All: Next Steps

Holy shit.

John Podesta

Re All: Next Steps

Dear staff (and Weiner, and Putin, I guess),

Since my “9-step plan” idea didn’t go over so well, I came up with another strategy: “Celebrity Firebomb.” This election year, we had some celebrity endorsements, and that was pretty okay. But come 2020, it’s going to be a celebrity mega-overload!

Picture this: not just Lena Dunham, but the entire cast of Girls writhing, snake-like, showered with money by Katy Perry and James Franco, while Beyonce belts out “Halo” as she cradles a reverse-aged infant Lin-Manuel Miranda (extra adorable.) In the background, Taylor Swift will be subjected to medieval torture until she A. admits to voting for Trump in 2016 and B. vows to vote for me in 2020.

All of this will be broadcast live on HBO. It’s a surefire plan to get the Rust Belt in our pocket.

Hillary Clinton

Sent from my iPhone

Re: Next Steps

What exactly do you mean by “reverse-aged?” Even if we did have the technology to do that, is Lin-Manuel Miranda the best candidate? A Tony Award-winning baby rapping about history… reads as coastal elitism to me

Robby Mook

Re All: Next Steps

send nudes

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

Anthony, who was that directed to?

Robby Mook

Re All: Next Steps

idk pretty much anyone

El Mysterioso

Re All: Next Steps

Hello once again,

So, “Celebrity Firebomb” clearly wasn’t any more popular than my “9-Step Plan.” That’s okay; I thought of another strategy. Remember how the polls totally messed us up? We thought I was a sure thing because I kept polling so well? Well, now we’re going to up our game.

Instead of just polling in the wake of major events and campaign milestones, we’re going to make a Hillary Clinton Tinder account. My number of matches will be a great indicator for how many Americans want me to be their president. Can somebody help me with the account? I’m not great at setting things up on my phone.


Sent from my iPhone

Re: Next Steps

Does Bill have Tinder? Lol is that even a question of course he does

Amanda Renteria

Re All: Next Steps

hillary i would swipe right on u

El Mysterioso

Re: Next Steps

Hillary, I am begging you. STOP. No new strategies, no celebrities, no Tinder. Running in 2020 is simply not in our best interest. I’m sorry.

John Podesta

Re All: Next Steps

Greetings, Hillary Clinton staff!

This is your Shadow President, Steve Bannon. My friends in the Kremlin tipped me off to this thread of emails, and I hacked your sorry asses, so ha! Take that! Also the file i attached is definitely not malware. Click “download” to find out why doctors hate this one weird trick to longer, healthier living!

k bye

Stephen K. Bannon

Re All: Next Steps

Fuck you, Bannon. Forever and always, fuck you.

Also, note to everyone, Hillary included: LET’S STOP TALKING ABOUT 2020 AND FOCUS ON THE PRESENT. Planning for the future is important, but we have to confront the here and now. Okay? Great.

John Podesta

Re All: Next Steps

You’re right, John. Everyone, I apologize for the barrage of messages concerning 2020. It’s hard to give up on this presidential dream… I just want to help people. Maybe the best way for me to help people now is to step aside, let someone new take a shot.

It’s time to grow up and move on. We live in very dark times. We won’t make it through these next four years without recognizing the seriousness of the present moment. Thank you all.

Hillary Clinton

Re All: Next Steps

bannon sent me some nudes and he got a stumpy lil prick lmao

El Mysterioso